Monday, 30 January 2017

contemplation

In October I tweeted, 'Loved ones move into dangerous lands when the restraint of understanding suicide's selfishness & impact is untied by "better off without".' This with a retweet of @TWLOHA's 'Your family is not better off without you. Your friends are not better off without you.', which linked to this article.

In December, in a sequence of tweets, I said:
- Have often wondered when thinking about suicide as a concept becomes 'contemplating' it, and how you recognise the dangerous shifting point.
- Is imagining a suicide note in the same way you might imagine a career-ending, send-to-all email 'contemplating' it?
- Is thinking about methods of suicide in the way you might imagine ways you might 'go on the run' if you had to 'contemplating' it?
- Would such thoughts be cathartic, or do they have to be expressed to be that? Or are they simply signs of an active imagination?

Earlier this month, I did a Twitter poll tweet, and got this result:
- Poll: Ever thought 'I could just step in front of this bus/train and it would all be over'?
56% Yes, doesn't everybody?
00% Yes, a very bad sign
44% No
9 votes

A couple of friends asked if I was okay. To one I said 'I'm ok thx! Often wonder (in so many ways!) to what extent I am normal, & it's nice to be reassured from time to time! :-)'. To the other I said, 'I need reassuring that for many it's A; hope for no one it's B; will appreciate the peaceful souls for whom it is C.'

Not a statistically significant poll, but reassured/glad/appreciative as detailed.

My internal disposition has never been sunny. Perhaps I do think about some things more than some others do. But I think, for me, talking about some things gives them a status or a reality that they don't deserve and they become 'a thing'. (Archetypal male, bottling things up, one might diagnose...)

And also the thought of talking about some things (for me, not in general) has always feel grossly 'me too, look at me' drama queeny, when I know people are properly troubled with such issues and I'm sure I am not in the same way.

I have - as above - often wondered what constitutes 'contemplating suicide', and the distinction between a healthy imagination and an unhealthy intention. Because I think it's something I've thought about a lot but never 'contemplated' in a clinical sense.

I'm not sure at what point one - or one's friends - should worry about it. But I don't think I've ever reached that point. And saying this out loud is probably no bad thing.

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